Fully Recovered and Ready for Surgery #2

So here we are... November 11th and I haven't written in a VERY long time. Since the last blog I have physically healed completely and I am left with what I see as an awfully large scar plus a little one from the tube that looks like a perpetual pimple. I am trying to learn to love these signs of my health but it is very difficult to feel so incredibly damaged yet knowing it is for the sake of my health.

It still hurts where the scar is to wear a bra all day, and it's painful to look down and see a deflated breast where a youthful looking one used to be. On the other side that hasn't had surgery yet I feel physical pain throughout everyday and just want it fixed already. I want to be carefree and have this entire process done with now. Although differences among people are what makes each of us unique, they also make me self-conscious. I try to push that out of my head... we all have scars from things that have happened to us, whether that is physical or emotional, and we all have to deal with them in whatever why we are equipped to.

I miss not thinking about my next doctor's appointment or the next surgery, or what will happen after the surgeries. It's still overwhelming even though I know I should just be thankful I don't have cancer. I'm a bit mad at the world that I will have these scars for the rest of my life and when people see them I will have to explain. When I'm asked about it I speak openly because I think a lot can be said about openness and honesty and I think it tells you a lot about why people are the way they are. This being said the thought of having to explain my scars for the rest of my life is upsetting (to say the least).

I now find myself looking at people and wondering what they are hiding and what secrets they are keeping. I got the chance to catch up with a wonderful friend yesterday, we talked all evening, had a couple of beers, played video games and had a great time... From the outside looking in he's a picture perfect guy who speaks openly about pretty much everything and anything - I find him inspiring to be near and just wish I could get inside his head for a day, he has overcome so much and you would never know it to see him.

I also have a great girlfriend who I spend tons of time with, we laugh constantly and have great talks even though we are opposites in so many ways. She is a beautiful woman who covers her insecurities with her quick humor, and again from the outside looking in - picture perfect. This is how people deal with their scars. I love humanity for the way we all evolve as individuals and find our own paths to cope with life. I draw from what I see other people do with their issues and try to create a mish-mash of ways to deal with my own issues.

Once I feel a little more comfortable in my own (scarred) skin, I will post pictures of the scars that I've been left with so far, but first I need to learn to love them.