Inspired by Another's Woman's Journey

I have learned how to more fully appreciate life through my own health scare, but I saw it even more deeply this weekend during my own path to healing. At work about a month ago we had a man come in to tell us about Qigong, an ancient Chinese practice used for natural healing. He gave us a quick demonstration and talked about the benefits of practicing Qigong for both mental and physical well being. I decided to join several of my coworkers in taking the level one workshops. Strangely enough the workshops fall on the Saturday before my surgery and the Saturday after, worried about the timing of this I asked the man if he thought I would be able to take part in Day 2 of the workshop as it is only 5 days after my surgery, he told me that if anything it would be beneficial so I went ahead with it.

The first day of the Qigong workshop was this past Saturday. It was a strange mixture of people, all different ages, all different sizes, all with different stories, At the beginning of the day we all shared why we were in attendance, one woman's story really made it clear to me just how fortunate I am. She is a beautiful woman with very short gray hair, she looks like she is about the same age as my mom, she shared that she was attending to benefit her own physical and mental health. This was a pretty standard start for everyone else too, however she continued on to share that she has chronic cancer and is hoping for physical healing. Everyone in the room looked very solemn. She then add that she lost her own daughter to cancer about a year ago and so she is also looking for some way of dealing her grief and coping with her emotions. I looked at her and her eyes were glossy but she was smiling, it caught me off guard actually, I think it was hope trying to shine through all of the loss in her life.

Throughout the class we were all urged to have a clear mind, not letting our thoughts take over. At first I couldn't keep the thoughts out of head. I kept thinking 'oh my God, her daughter was probably my age'. I was trying to imagine what it must be like to be battling cancer alongside your daughter and watching your daughter lose the battle before you. So devastating. I kept trying to watch her throughout the series of mindful movements, she looked so graceful. I kept sneaking peaks for the first few hours of the day and she just totally radiates happiness. Through the afternoon I began just trying to quiet my mind and focus only on the movements we were asked to do. At the end of the day we did the Hexagram Dance and at the end the entire class recites a verse:

         " My blood and Qi are flowing smoothly.

          I am filled with peace and joy.

          I am free of pain and illness.

          I am blessed with good fortune."

What a beautiful note to end on. I looked at her as things came to a close and she looked so calm and peaceful. I want that kind of still, tranquil happiness someday. I have never seen such a powerful display of someone accepting the things they can not change. There are six levels of Qigong, each with beautiful names. The 6th and highest level of Qigong is titled "Seeking Nirvana" I think this woman must really be on level 6, she's there.

My surgery is in about 34 hours from now, I think this time around I will appreciate my mom more instead of being frustrating with her nervous chatting. I love her for everything she is and does, she is always there no matter what and I think this time I should sit back and take it all in, every minute with my mom.

I'm going in feeling positive, more calm and looking forward to this process getting closer to being over. I'm also going to experiment with Qigong, I know how I healed from my first surgery without Qigong, I am committing to doing 1-2 hours of Qigong everyday, and I am going to see how I feel this time around since it's the exact same surgery on the exact same body part, we'll see if Qigong really does heal. So I am about to do "the Hexagram dance", "the Grounding Qi", "Love my Body" and "Turning Qi". Then I am going to lay down and hopefully sleep better than I've slept in a long time.

         " My blood and Qi are flowing smoothly.

          I am filled with peace and joy.

          I am free of pain and illness.

          I am blessed with good fortune."

And here we go again...

So since the last time I wrote things were really back and forth about whether or not I would be having more surgery... one appointment the specialist would say I need the other side done, then I didn't, and then finally I did need it - final answer. Frustrating to say the least!

Well a new development... I have super powers and re-grow lumps faster than they can take them out! In mid-December I had an appointment and found out that a new lump developed toward the bottom of the side they already did surgery on, the doctor tells me he no longer wants to do surgery because he'd like to wait and see what it does, which side to do, etc. Granted I'm not a doctor, but my first impulse was to think "see what it will do?! I think my body has already proved that I help  tumors grow!" To make a long story short I had to go for a follow-up in mid-January where it was decided that the second side would be done and we will "keep an eye on" the new one. Last time I checked it was the doctors hands (not eyes) that figured out these suckers meant business... but fine, I'll go with it. So the doctor gives me a surgery date of March 8, 2011. I ask him "March 8th? Last time it was four weeks from the day it was decided surgery was needed." He says yes, that I'm young and healthy, etc, and it shouldn't be a problem to wait until March. Then I see a document sitting on his desk saying "Pathology Report" with my name on it. I ask my specialist what it is and he says my doctor should have gone over that with me at my last appointment, I replied he didn't. Then I look closer and see that my specialist has sent it to the wrong doctor, that's comforting! I tell my specialist it was sent to the wrong doctor, he looks at it and asks who my doctor is; I tell him and he says "ok" and re-addresses it without saying anything else. He wouldn't tell me what it said so I 'sneak a peak' and see it's the pathology report on the first tumor that was removed. I read it as quickly/casually as I can and see that there are still no indications of cancer. PHEW Crystal wins again!

The very next morning I get a call that the doctor has re-reviewed my file, specifically the ultrasound and mammogram and the surgery will now need to be February 15th (exactly 4 weeks later), hmmmm maybe I should become a doctor! Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting this done and still seeing this ultimately as a positive thing in my life. Throughout this my priorities have straightened out because I am a bit more inciteful. I know what I want in life, and I know who in my life matters the most.

Oh and for the record, I'm still holding out hope to fall in love and live a happy, healthy life with someone. This being said I've also realized that just because I am there right now, doesn't mean that the person I'm meant to be with is there yet. I think friendship can take on new significance when there is absolutely no pressure to change it, or to change the people in it, just knowing it is always being built upon, strengthening the relationship and making it more significant. Who knows what can happen... I guess I'm a closet romantic! Friendship is the most important thing in my life though; friendship with both family and non-family. I love me and my life, I loving being who I am and being accepted for who I am by those who know me the best. I look back ten years and don't recognize who I used to be because I don't think I ever really believed my family and friends when they told me I'd grow up and be who I am today. Keeping that in mind, I know I am able to wait patiently over the next ten years for more good things to come my way in life.

I used to write poetry often, but it's been a long time. I don't know how or why, but I pretty much stopped writing out my feelings other than a couple of poems here and there. Lately I've been more focused on the idea of writing a book, but I've also been thinking frequently about beginning to write through my emotions again... maybe it will stop me from SAYING everything and then feeling awkward lol! The last week was an especially tough one, both personally and professionally, and it has forced me to dig deep and remember what makes me - 'me'. This week has pushed me to fall back on my instincts rather than using my experience or education. I'm trying to come from the heart and it has crossed my mind to write everything out. So, I think in between the updates on my health and life I am going to share some of my other writing on this site. Hope you'll enjoy them!

Love?! Mr. Right?! Hmmm...

As I'm getting closer to my next surgery I'm finding that I am wishing and hoping for love to miraculously jump into my life. Today is the first day that I've made a correlation between the two... I just thought I've been single for so long that I'm getting tired of it, now I don't think that's the case.

After my last surgery my friends and family were incredible but I spent so much time just laying by myself, I miss the feeling of someone's arms wrapped around me, someone to hug me and kiss me and tell me how cute I look all doped up and looking like I'm in pain. I have the most amazing parents and family, my sisters are always here for me, my friends I can call at anytime. What I miss is the feeling of someone looking at me as someone they actually want to be with. I'm learning that I'm more sensitive than I thought and that even though I've always thought my life was very well compartmentalized it's really not... every aspect of my life influences other aspects of my life until it becomes one very tangled up mess.

I love myself the way I am and I've decided to share today the photo of my gross looking scar, and then I will elaborate more...

I've always known in my head that it is so important to be happy with myself before I can be happy with anyone else. I actually thought I understood this quite well. Now that I have gone through I period of not loving my body so much I have come to a bit of clarity. I have always been happy with my physical appearance, confident in my body, comfortable in my own skin... that is until all of this surgery stuff came about. Then suddenly I was embarassed about my body shape and the scar that I have so far, also dreading the next scar and deformed shape I'll be. I've based my confidence on my body and been very cautious to let people see the real me.

I watch sad movies and I get a lump in my throat but I don't cry... that's me

If you piss me off I'll tell you off and probably not regret it after... that's me

I work hard, play harder, and I'm not a fake that acts like I'm perfect or innocent, I'm not... that's me

If you accuse me of something I didn't do I'll do it just to prove you right and to spite you... that's me

I have a soft spot for animals and humans alike, I'll do anything for anyone I really care for... that's me

If you hurt me I'll hurt you back, then tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am... that's me

I always say "LIKE IT OR LEAVE IT"

In Marilyn Monroe's words: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

I plan to wait (im)patiently for "Mr. Right"...

BUT if "Mr. Right Now" wants to cuddle me when I'm feeling down or after I have the next surgery - I'm down!  :-p  LOL!

Fully Recovered and Ready for Surgery #2

So here we are... November 11th and I haven't written in a VERY long time. Since the last blog I have physically healed completely and I am left with what I see as an awfully large scar plus a little one from the tube that looks like a perpetual pimple. I am trying to learn to love these signs of my health but it is very difficult to feel so incredibly damaged yet knowing it is for the sake of my health.

It still hurts where the scar is to wear a bra all day, and it's painful to look down and see a deflated breast where a youthful looking one used to be. On the other side that hasn't had surgery yet I feel physical pain throughout everyday and just want it fixed already. I want to be carefree and have this entire process done with now. Although differences among people are what makes each of us unique, they also make me self-conscious. I try to push that out of my head... we all have scars from things that have happened to us, whether that is physical or emotional, and we all have to deal with them in whatever why we are equipped to.

I miss not thinking about my next doctor's appointment or the next surgery, or what will happen after the surgeries. It's still overwhelming even though I know I should just be thankful I don't have cancer. I'm a bit mad at the world that I will have these scars for the rest of my life and when people see them I will have to explain. When I'm asked about it I speak openly because I think a lot can be said about openness and honesty and I think it tells you a lot about why people are the way they are. This being said the thought of having to explain my scars for the rest of my life is upsetting (to say the least).

I now find myself looking at people and wondering what they are hiding and what secrets they are keeping. I got the chance to catch up with a wonderful friend yesterday, we talked all evening, had a couple of beers, played video games and had a great time... From the outside looking in he's a picture perfect guy who speaks openly about pretty much everything and anything - I find him inspiring to be near and just wish I could get inside his head for a day, he has overcome so much and you would never know it to see him.

I also have a great girlfriend who I spend tons of time with, we laugh constantly and have great talks even though we are opposites in so many ways. She is a beautiful woman who covers her insecurities with her quick humor, and again from the outside looking in - picture perfect. This is how people deal with their scars. I love humanity for the way we all evolve as individuals and find our own paths to cope with life. I draw from what I see other people do with their issues and try to create a mish-mash of ways to deal with my own issues.

Once I feel a little more comfortable in my own (scarred) skin, I will post pictures of the scars that I've been left with so far, but first I need to learn to love them.