Love?! Mr. Right?! Hmmm...

As I'm getting closer to my next surgery I'm finding that I am wishing and hoping for love to miraculously jump into my life. Today is the first day that I've made a correlation between the two... I just thought I've been single for so long that I'm getting tired of it, now I don't think that's the case.

After my last surgery my friends and family were incredible but I spent so much time just laying by myself, I miss the feeling of someone's arms wrapped around me, someone to hug me and kiss me and tell me how cute I look all doped up and looking like I'm in pain. I have the most amazing parents and family, my sisters are always here for me, my friends I can call at anytime. What I miss is the feeling of someone looking at me as someone they actually want to be with. I'm learning that I'm more sensitive than I thought and that even though I've always thought my life was very well compartmentalized it's really not... every aspect of my life influences other aspects of my life until it becomes one very tangled up mess.

I love myself the way I am and I've decided to share today the photo of my gross looking scar, and then I will elaborate more...

I've always known in my head that it is so important to be happy with myself before I can be happy with anyone else. I actually thought I understood this quite well. Now that I have gone through I period of not loving my body so much I have come to a bit of clarity. I have always been happy with my physical appearance, confident in my body, comfortable in my own skin... that is until all of this surgery stuff came about. Then suddenly I was embarassed about my body shape and the scar that I have so far, also dreading the next scar and deformed shape I'll be. I've based my confidence on my body and been very cautious to let people see the real me.

I watch sad movies and I get a lump in my throat but I don't cry... that's me

If you piss me off I'll tell you off and probably not regret it after... that's me

I work hard, play harder, and I'm not a fake that acts like I'm perfect or innocent, I'm not... that's me

If you accuse me of something I didn't do I'll do it just to prove you right and to spite you... that's me

I have a soft spot for animals and humans alike, I'll do anything for anyone I really care for... that's me

If you hurt me I'll hurt you back, then tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am... that's me

I always say "LIKE IT OR LEAVE IT"

In Marilyn Monroe's words: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

I plan to wait (im)patiently for "Mr. Right"...

BUT if "Mr. Right Now" wants to cuddle me when I'm feeling down or after I have the next surgery - I'm down!  :-p  LOL!

Fully Recovered and Ready for Surgery #2

So here we are... November 11th and I haven't written in a VERY long time. Since the last blog I have physically healed completely and I am left with what I see as an awfully large scar plus a little one from the tube that looks like a perpetual pimple. I am trying to learn to love these signs of my health but it is very difficult to feel so incredibly damaged yet knowing it is for the sake of my health.

It still hurts where the scar is to wear a bra all day, and it's painful to look down and see a deflated breast where a youthful looking one used to be. On the other side that hasn't had surgery yet I feel physical pain throughout everyday and just want it fixed already. I want to be carefree and have this entire process done with now. Although differences among people are what makes each of us unique, they also make me self-conscious. I try to push that out of my head... we all have scars from things that have happened to us, whether that is physical or emotional, and we all have to deal with them in whatever why we are equipped to.

I miss not thinking about my next doctor's appointment or the next surgery, or what will happen after the surgeries. It's still overwhelming even though I know I should just be thankful I don't have cancer. I'm a bit mad at the world that I will have these scars for the rest of my life and when people see them I will have to explain. When I'm asked about it I speak openly because I think a lot can be said about openness and honesty and I think it tells you a lot about why people are the way they are. This being said the thought of having to explain my scars for the rest of my life is upsetting (to say the least).

I now find myself looking at people and wondering what they are hiding and what secrets they are keeping. I got the chance to catch up with a wonderful friend yesterday, we talked all evening, had a couple of beers, played video games and had a great time... From the outside looking in he's a picture perfect guy who speaks openly about pretty much everything and anything - I find him inspiring to be near and just wish I could get inside his head for a day, he has overcome so much and you would never know it to see him.

I also have a great girlfriend who I spend tons of time with, we laugh constantly and have great talks even though we are opposites in so many ways. She is a beautiful woman who covers her insecurities with her quick humor, and again from the outside looking in - picture perfect. This is how people deal with their scars. I love humanity for the way we all evolve as individuals and find our own paths to cope with life. I draw from what I see other people do with their issues and try to create a mish-mash of ways to deal with my own issues.

Once I feel a little more comfortable in my own (scarred) skin, I will post pictures of the scars that I've been left with so far, but first I need to learn to love them.