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So since the last time I wrote things were really back and forth about whether or not I would be having more surgery... one appointment the specialist would say I need the other side done, then I didn't, and then finally I did need it - final answer. Frustrating to say the least!
Well a new development... I have super powers and re-grow lumps faster than they can take them out! In mid-December I had an appointment and found out that a new lump developed toward the bottom of the side they already did surgery on, the doctor tells me he no longer wants to do surgery because he'd like to wait and see what it does, which side to do, etc. Granted I'm not a doctor, but my first impulse was to think "see what it will do?! I think my body has already proved that I help tumors grow!" To make a long story short I had to go for a follow-up in mid-January where it was decided that the second side would be done and we will "keep an eye on" the new one. Last time I checked it was the doctors hands (not eyes) that figured out these suckers meant business... but fine, I'll go with it. So the doctor gives me a surgery date of March 8, 2011. I ask him "March 8th? Last time it was four weeks from the day it was decided surgery was needed." He says yes, that I'm young and healthy, etc, and it shouldn't be a problem to wait until March. Then I see a document sitting on his desk saying "Pathology Report" with my name on it. I ask my specialist what it is and he says my doctor should have gone over that with me at my last appointment, I replied he didn't. Then I look closer and see that my specialist has sent it to the wrong doctor, that's comforting! I tell my specialist it was sent to the wrong doctor, he looks at it and asks who my doctor is; I tell him and he says "ok" and re-addresses it without saying anything else. He wouldn't tell me what it said so I 'sneak a peak' and see it's the pathology report on the first tumor that was removed. I read it as quickly/casually as I can and see that there are still no indications of cancer. PHEW Crystal wins again!
The very next morning I get a call that the doctor has re-reviewed my file, specifically the ultrasound and mammogram and the surgery will now need to be February 15th (exactly 4 weeks later), hmmmm maybe I should become a doctor! Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting this done and still seeing this ultimately as a positive thing in my life. Throughout this my priorities have straightened out because I am a bit more inciteful. I know what I want in life, and I know who in my life matters the most.
Oh and for the record, I'm still holding out hope to fall in love and live a happy, healthy life with someone. This being said I've also realized that just because I am there right now, doesn't mean that the person I'm meant to be with is there yet. I think friendship can take on new significance when there is absolutely no pressure to change it, or to change the people in it, just knowing it is always being built upon, strengthening the relationship and making it more significant. Who knows what can happen... I guess I'm a closet romantic! Friendship is the most important thing in my life though; friendship with both family and non-family. I love me and my life, I loving being who I am and being accepted for who I am by those who know me the best. I look back ten years and don't recognize who I used to be because I don't think I ever really believed my family and friends when they told me I'd grow up and be who I am today. Keeping that in mind, I know I am able to wait patiently over the next ten years for more good things to come my way in life.
I used to write poetry often, but it's been a long time. I don't know how or why, but I pretty much stopped writing out my feelings other than a couple of poems here and there. Lately I've been more focused on the idea of writing a book, but I've also been thinking frequently about beginning to write through my emotions again... maybe it will stop me from SAYING everything and then feeling awkward lol! The last week was an especially tough one, both personally and professionally, and it has forced me to dig deep and remember what makes me - 'me'. This week has pushed me to fall back on my instincts rather than using my experience or education. I'm trying to come from the heart and it has crossed my mind to write everything out. So, I think in between the updates on my health and life I am going to share some of my other writing on this site. Hope you'll enjoy them!
