Surgery #2 is Done!

So I had surgery last Tuesday and managed to get myself out of the hospital by lunch time. I woke up feeling coming fine and ready to move on out of there. Last time I felt pretty good after surgery, this time I felt even better. I tried this time to go into things calmly however of course the moment they wanted to do my IV I began tearing up and refusing it. I wound up receiving laughing gas in the operating room which calmed me enough to let them put my IV in. Once home I ate a full sub, snacked all day, had visitors, and overall felt great. The only pain I've had is where the hemovac tube goes into my body, other than that I don't even know where the incision was made, no pain there at all!

I've been fairly consistent with practicing Qigong and on Saturday spent 7 hours in a workshop for Qigong where the group circled me and offered a healing which I received well, just the feeling of having so many people wishing me well was a powerful moment. After my day of Qigong I had my nieces over for a sleepover, we went out for dinner, played games, went to watch my soccer game and stayed up late watching movies. It made me feel like life was normal for that 24 hour period.

All week I have been experiencing emotional highs and lows, being happy and full of laughter one moment and crying the next. I have treated some people wonderfully, others not so wonderfully. And strangely enough with all the love and support of my family, friends, soccer team, co-workers, I still somehow feel lonely, but I am trying to have faith that when I am ready things will fall into place on the relationship front.

I went to a social Sunday night and was brave - I wore a bra!! SO SO SO painful, but totally worth it to not have to display how awfully uneven my breasts now are. Again I will put up photo's once I am comfortable with this new shape myself. I looked in the mirror for the first time yesterday and was so sad to see what this has done to my figure. I know it shouldn't matter because I'm healthy and that is the main thing, but it really does matter a lot. It makes me want to cry when I see myself, but I will get over it, and I will be "fixed" physically eventually. For now I'll keep telling myself to love myself regardless of what I look like, my body isn't as important as my health.

Inspired by Another's Woman's Journey

I have learned how to more fully appreciate life through my own health scare, but I saw it even more deeply this weekend during my own path to healing. At work about a month ago we had a man come in to tell us about Qigong, an ancient Chinese practice used for natural healing. He gave us a quick demonstration and talked about the benefits of practicing Qigong for both mental and physical well being. I decided to join several of my coworkers in taking the level one workshops. Strangely enough the workshops fall on the Saturday before my surgery and the Saturday after, worried about the timing of this I asked the man if he thought I would be able to take part in Day 2 of the workshop as it is only 5 days after my surgery, he told me that if anything it would be beneficial so I went ahead with it.

The first day of the Qigong workshop was this past Saturday. It was a strange mixture of people, all different ages, all different sizes, all with different stories, At the beginning of the day we all shared why we were in attendance, one woman's story really made it clear to me just how fortunate I am. She is a beautiful woman with very short gray hair, she looks like she is about the same age as my mom, she shared that she was attending to benefit her own physical and mental health. This was a pretty standard start for everyone else too, however she continued on to share that she has chronic cancer and is hoping for physical healing. Everyone in the room looked very solemn. She then add that she lost her own daughter to cancer about a year ago and so she is also looking for some way of dealing her grief and coping with her emotions. I looked at her and her eyes were glossy but she was smiling, it caught me off guard actually, I think it was hope trying to shine through all of the loss in her life.

Throughout the class we were all urged to have a clear mind, not letting our thoughts take over. At first I couldn't keep the thoughts out of head. I kept thinking 'oh my God, her daughter was probably my age'. I was trying to imagine what it must be like to be battling cancer alongside your daughter and watching your daughter lose the battle before you. So devastating. I kept trying to watch her throughout the series of mindful movements, she looked so graceful. I kept sneaking peaks for the first few hours of the day and she just totally radiates happiness. Through the afternoon I began just trying to quiet my mind and focus only on the movements we were asked to do. At the end of the day we did the Hexagram Dance and at the end the entire class recites a verse:

         " My blood and Qi are flowing smoothly.

          I am filled with peace and joy.

          I am free of pain and illness.

          I am blessed with good fortune."

What a beautiful note to end on. I looked at her as things came to a close and she looked so calm and peaceful. I want that kind of still, tranquil happiness someday. I have never seen such a powerful display of someone accepting the things they can not change. There are six levels of Qigong, each with beautiful names. The 6th and highest level of Qigong is titled "Seeking Nirvana" I think this woman must really be on level 6, she's there.

My surgery is in about 34 hours from now, I think this time around I will appreciate my mom more instead of being frustrating with her nervous chatting. I love her for everything she is and does, she is always there no matter what and I think this time I should sit back and take it all in, every minute with my mom.

I'm going in feeling positive, more calm and looking forward to this process getting closer to being over. I'm also going to experiment with Qigong, I know how I healed from my first surgery without Qigong, I am committing to doing 1-2 hours of Qigong everyday, and I am going to see how I feel this time around since it's the exact same surgery on the exact same body part, we'll see if Qigong really does heal. So I am about to do "the Hexagram dance", "the Grounding Qi", "Love my Body" and "Turning Qi". Then I am going to lay down and hopefully sleep better than I've slept in a long time.

         " My blood and Qi are flowing smoothly.

          I am filled with peace and joy.

          I am free of pain and illness.

          I am blessed with good fortune."