Good News!

So… I actually wrote this yesterday but I'm having technical difficulties and couldn't post it, also the photos from the last surgery are coming, for some reason I can't upload them right now but I am comfortable sharing them now, so hopefully that will be the next post... there is one with the bandage still on and one of the incision almost healed. The photo with the shirt on and still bandaged was taken on February 16, 2011 - one day after surgery, the other picture was taken February 25, 2011 - ten days post surgery, the day I got the hemovac out and bandages off. This surgery was way WAY easier than the last, I knew what to expect so it wasn’t so scary, and I recovered much faster than I (or anyone else) expected.

February 16, 2011 - One day Post-Op

Ten days post-surgery: Bandages off, Hemovac out

I now have scars on both sides of my chest that are constant reminders of my mixed feelings:

On positive days I look at myself in the mirror and feel like I’ve shown myself how strong I can be when I need to be, like I’ve learned what’s important in life, and realize that my family and true friends have proven to me that they will always be here for me to help get through the things I can‘t get through alone.  On the tougher days I wonder why this had to happen to me, why I’ll have to see the scars for the rest of my life, and feel self-conscious like I don’t want anyone to see these scars. I also get scared wondering how I will deal with it if this happens again, what if next time it is cancer? I wonder if I’ll find someone who will just accept me exactly how I am. I wish mammograms and screening and testing weren’t going to be a part of my reality so early in life, but that is reality and I’m trying to accept it.

The outlook that I most want to keep in mind is that I’m so lucky and I want others to realize how much they have just by being healthy. I hope other women take care of their bodies and aren’t scared to push forward when they know something just isn’t right. It probably would have been much easier mentally if I had ignored the problem rather than having spent the last nine months worrying, having tests, having surgery, worrying, getting results, having surgery, worrying and finally getting results. But wow, if I had just ignored the problem I know I’d be in horrible physical condition!

On that note I am happy to say that that the doctor’s office called today (now yesterday) and officially informed me that the pathology report has come back clean and that it appears the new little lump is not growing and is nothing to worry about right now. No more Lumpectomy’s for me!

On a different note - The dating front is starting to look up, I’ll share more if things continue going in the right direction!

Just Stay

Looking in the mirror, tears falling down,

I don't remember when my grin became a frown.

I was once proud of eternal smiles, being care-free,

But that changed somehow and no one told me.

I'd do anything for anyone who means anything to me,

But slowly I'm opening my eyes and beginning to see.

Everything I'm willing to give, people will take,

But when I'm in need, suddenly there's a break.

I don't get why everything has to be on everyone else's terms,

For once I'd like to say how I feel, and get something in return.

I'm open and loving, accepting of all, yet somehow just continue to fall.

Put myself out there, for what? So I can fall to my knees? Beg and crawl?

Why do you want me when you want me, but not when I want you?

I want something real, in good and bad; able to say together we grew.

Please wipe my tear; I don't ask for much, but I want love, just be here.

Don't run when I say what I'm looking for, just stick by me, stay near.

I'm hurting, I can't find someone that will stay.

I look in the mirror, see scars inside and out, and pray.

I want someone to love my rights and my wrongs,

Who sees my flaws, but also hears the love songs.

Open your eyes and see all I'm willing to give, but don't steal it all away.

Just be with me, don't use me; hold me close, want me and don't stray.

Wipe away the tears once in a while, or just sit with me while I cry,

Let me be me, but let it be by your side.

You do nothing wrong, but also do nothing right,

When I need you, you've left me in the dark, alone and scared at night.

Please be here, don't go away.

Just Stay.

(Sometimes a girl needs to cry, it doesn't matter what anyone else says or does, I believe it's a release that is necessary in order to re-evaluate situations and to be able to see things clearly. I tell women everyday that they need to feel their feelings, take a deep breath and take them all in, yet I ignore my own. I used to think that no one was worth crying over, but I'm realizing that I was wrong. I have had a few beautiful, wonderful men in my life who I've always held out hope on and somehow they always seem to let me down, but strangely they haven't DONE anything, it's just one of those things, but it hurts. And so tonight I cry over them, and they are worth it, but I won't let that hurt who I know I am and I won't let that change that I will always hold out hope for those I really do care about, I will find someone worthy of all that I am willing to give.)

How Often do I Write?

I was asked last week how often I write my blog and I said that I write whenever I feel like it. This wasn't exactly true though I suppose... I write when I am overwhelmed with some sort of emotion, whether that is fear, anxiety, frustration, inspiration; anytime I just can't keep it in anymore.

There is no new news on my health. I am still waiting for a pathology report that is expected to come back clean. I am still self-conscious about the new shape of my body and the scars. I am still trying to view these things as struggles that have made me stronger and wiser. It can be hard to see it this way though.

I am writing today because I have an overwhelming feeling that my life is just not meant to go my way. I don't understand why everything has to be something I need to struggle through. Now, enough with the self-pity, I work everyday with women who have overcome a lot more than I will ever have to, I really shouldn't complain, but my heart is having a hard time today.

The relationship front is getting me down. For a long time I have been optimistically hoping to find someone who I just like to be around and can have fun with and who will want me as much as I want them. I've dated plenty and come up empty handed. I've gone through phases of just wanting to be single, and I've gone through phases where I feel like my life will never be complete without someone to share it with. Now I am trying to be content with believing whatever will be, will be.

People say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I don't think I've experienced that... when my relationships have ended I have been ready for them to end and haven't looked back. I never realized how much I really do miss the little things about being in a relationship because of just how DONE I've always been by the time things have ended.

In the last couple of weeks I experienced a short and sweet version of what I had been missing in the last year and a half. I haven't been swept off my feet with romance or persued to the extent where I know I am truly wanted or needed, these are things that I would have been hoping for before. Instead I found someone who I just genuinely enjoy being around. It's the little things that count: Being able to laugh with someone, casual glances, affection-even just a touch of my hair or brushing by my hand, it is all so incredibly comforting after not having that in so long. It's done already, but it was short and sweet and keeps me believing there's someone out there for me.

So anyway, I'm cautiously optimistic... let's end off with some little inspirations from some of my favorite songs... Wait wait wait, just looked through my music and all the songs I want to quote here are by the Trews for some reason.... must be in the mood for them. For now I'll make the recommendation that people check them out. Love them.

The Trews:

- Sing Your Heart Out

- The Love You Save

- Man of Two Minds

- End of the Line

Anyway, I'm going to just keep on keeping on... Ha ha ha.... Time for some food, a nap, a meeting, then a soccer game.

Surgery #2 is Done!

So I had surgery last Tuesday and managed to get myself out of the hospital by lunch time. I woke up feeling coming fine and ready to move on out of there. Last time I felt pretty good after surgery, this time I felt even better. I tried this time to go into things calmly however of course the moment they wanted to do my IV I began tearing up and refusing it. I wound up receiving laughing gas in the operating room which calmed me enough to let them put my IV in. Once home I ate a full sub, snacked all day, had visitors, and overall felt great. The only pain I've had is where the hemovac tube goes into my body, other than that I don't even know where the incision was made, no pain there at all!

I've been fairly consistent with practicing Qigong and on Saturday spent 7 hours in a workshop for Qigong where the group circled me and offered a healing which I received well, just the feeling of having so many people wishing me well was a powerful moment. After my day of Qigong I had my nieces over for a sleepover, we went out for dinner, played games, went to watch my soccer game and stayed up late watching movies. It made me feel like life was normal for that 24 hour period.

All week I have been experiencing emotional highs and lows, being happy and full of laughter one moment and crying the next. I have treated some people wonderfully, others not so wonderfully. And strangely enough with all the love and support of my family, friends, soccer team, co-workers, I still somehow feel lonely, but I am trying to have faith that when I am ready things will fall into place on the relationship front.

I went to a social Sunday night and was brave - I wore a bra!! SO SO SO painful, but totally worth it to not have to display how awfully uneven my breasts now are. Again I will put up photo's once I am comfortable with this new shape myself. I looked in the mirror for the first time yesterday and was so sad to see what this has done to my figure. I know it shouldn't matter because I'm healthy and that is the main thing, but it really does matter a lot. It makes me want to cry when I see myself, but I will get over it, and I will be "fixed" physically eventually. For now I'll keep telling myself to love myself regardless of what I look like, my body isn't as important as my health.

Inspired by Another's Woman's Journey

I have learned how to more fully appreciate life through my own health scare, but I saw it even more deeply this weekend during my own path to healing. At work about a month ago we had a man come in to tell us about Qigong, an ancient Chinese practice used for natural healing. He gave us a quick demonstration and talked about the benefits of practicing Qigong for both mental and physical well being. I decided to join several of my coworkers in taking the level one workshops. Strangely enough the workshops fall on the Saturday before my surgery and the Saturday after, worried about the timing of this I asked the man if he thought I would be able to take part in Day 2 of the workshop as it is only 5 days after my surgery, he told me that if anything it would be beneficial so I went ahead with it.

The first day of the Qigong workshop was this past Saturday. It was a strange mixture of people, all different ages, all different sizes, all with different stories, At the beginning of the day we all shared why we were in attendance, one woman's story really made it clear to me just how fortunate I am. She is a beautiful woman with very short gray hair, she looks like she is about the same age as my mom, she shared that she was attending to benefit her own physical and mental health. This was a pretty standard start for everyone else too, however she continued on to share that she has chronic cancer and is hoping for physical healing. Everyone in the room looked very solemn. She then add that she lost her own daughter to cancer about a year ago and so she is also looking for some way of dealing her grief and coping with her emotions. I looked at her and her eyes were glossy but she was smiling, it caught me off guard actually, I think it was hope trying to shine through all of the loss in her life.

Throughout the class we were all urged to have a clear mind, not letting our thoughts take over. At first I couldn't keep the thoughts out of head. I kept thinking 'oh my God, her daughter was probably my age'. I was trying to imagine what it must be like to be battling cancer alongside your daughter and watching your daughter lose the battle before you. So devastating. I kept trying to watch her throughout the series of mindful movements, she looked so graceful. I kept sneaking peaks for the first few hours of the day and she just totally radiates happiness. Through the afternoon I began just trying to quiet my mind and focus only on the movements we were asked to do. At the end of the day we did the Hexagram Dance and at the end the entire class recites a verse:

         " My blood and Qi are flowing smoothly.

          I am filled with peace and joy.

          I am free of pain and illness.

          I am blessed with good fortune."

What a beautiful note to end on. I looked at her as things came to a close and she looked so calm and peaceful. I want that kind of still, tranquil happiness someday. I have never seen such a powerful display of someone accepting the things they can not change. There are six levels of Qigong, each with beautiful names. The 6th and highest level of Qigong is titled "Seeking Nirvana" I think this woman must really be on level 6, she's there.

My surgery is in about 34 hours from now, I think this time around I will appreciate my mom more instead of being frustrating with her nervous chatting. I love her for everything she is and does, she is always there no matter what and I think this time I should sit back and take it all in, every minute with my mom.

I'm going in feeling positive, more calm and looking forward to this process getting closer to being over. I'm also going to experiment with Qigong, I know how I healed from my first surgery without Qigong, I am committing to doing 1-2 hours of Qigong everyday, and I am going to see how I feel this time around since it's the exact same surgery on the exact same body part, we'll see if Qigong really does heal. So I am about to do "the Hexagram dance", "the Grounding Qi", "Love my Body" and "Turning Qi". Then I am going to lay down and hopefully sleep better than I've slept in a long time.

         " My blood and Qi are flowing smoothly.

          I am filled with peace and joy.

          I am free of pain and illness.

          I am blessed with good fortune."

And here we go again...

So since the last time I wrote things were really back and forth about whether or not I would be having more surgery... one appointment the specialist would say I need the other side done, then I didn't, and then finally I did need it - final answer. Frustrating to say the least!

Well a new development... I have super powers and re-grow lumps faster than they can take them out! In mid-December I had an appointment and found out that a new lump developed toward the bottom of the side they already did surgery on, the doctor tells me he no longer wants to do surgery because he'd like to wait and see what it does, which side to do, etc. Granted I'm not a doctor, but my first impulse was to think "see what it will do?! I think my body has already proved that I help  tumors grow!" To make a long story short I had to go for a follow-up in mid-January where it was decided that the second side would be done and we will "keep an eye on" the new one. Last time I checked it was the doctors hands (not eyes) that figured out these suckers meant business... but fine, I'll go with it. So the doctor gives me a surgery date of March 8, 2011. I ask him "March 8th? Last time it was four weeks from the day it was decided surgery was needed." He says yes, that I'm young and healthy, etc, and it shouldn't be a problem to wait until March. Then I see a document sitting on his desk saying "Pathology Report" with my name on it. I ask my specialist what it is and he says my doctor should have gone over that with me at my last appointment, I replied he didn't. Then I look closer and see that my specialist has sent it to the wrong doctor, that's comforting! I tell my specialist it was sent to the wrong doctor, he looks at it and asks who my doctor is; I tell him and he says "ok" and re-addresses it without saying anything else. He wouldn't tell me what it said so I 'sneak a peak' and see it's the pathology report on the first tumor that was removed. I read it as quickly/casually as I can and see that there are still no indications of cancer. PHEW Crystal wins again!

The very next morning I get a call that the doctor has re-reviewed my file, specifically the ultrasound and mammogram and the surgery will now need to be February 15th (exactly 4 weeks later), hmmmm maybe I should become a doctor! Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting this done and still seeing this ultimately as a positive thing in my life. Throughout this my priorities have straightened out because I am a bit more inciteful. I know what I want in life, and I know who in my life matters the most.

Oh and for the record, I'm still holding out hope to fall in love and live a happy, healthy life with someone. This being said I've also realized that just because I am there right now, doesn't mean that the person I'm meant to be with is there yet. I think friendship can take on new significance when there is absolutely no pressure to change it, or to change the people in it, just knowing it is always being built upon, strengthening the relationship and making it more significant. Who knows what can happen... I guess I'm a closet romantic! Friendship is the most important thing in my life though; friendship with both family and non-family. I love me and my life, I loving being who I am and being accepted for who I am by those who know me the best. I look back ten years and don't recognize who I used to be because I don't think I ever really believed my family and friends when they told me I'd grow up and be who I am today. Keeping that in mind, I know I am able to wait patiently over the next ten years for more good things to come my way in life.

I used to write poetry often, but it's been a long time. I don't know how or why, but I pretty much stopped writing out my feelings other than a couple of poems here and there. Lately I've been more focused on the idea of writing a book, but I've also been thinking frequently about beginning to write through my emotions again... maybe it will stop me from SAYING everything and then feeling awkward lol! The last week was an especially tough one, both personally and professionally, and it has forced me to dig deep and remember what makes me - 'me'. This week has pushed me to fall back on my instincts rather than using my experience or education. I'm trying to come from the heart and it has crossed my mind to write everything out. So, I think in between the updates on my health and life I am going to share some of my other writing on this site. Hope you'll enjoy them!