How Often do I Write?

I was asked last week how often I write my blog and I said that I write whenever I feel like it. This wasn't exactly true though I suppose... I write when I am overwhelmed with some sort of emotion, whether that is fear, anxiety, frustration, inspiration; anytime I just can't keep it in anymore.

There is no new news on my health. I am still waiting for a pathology report that is expected to come back clean. I am still self-conscious about the new shape of my body and the scars. I am still trying to view these things as struggles that have made me stronger and wiser. It can be hard to see it this way though.

I am writing today because I have an overwhelming feeling that my life is just not meant to go my way. I don't understand why everything has to be something I need to struggle through. Now, enough with the self-pity, I work everyday with women who have overcome a lot more than I will ever have to, I really shouldn't complain, but my heart is having a hard time today.

The relationship front is getting me down. For a long time I have been optimistically hoping to find someone who I just like to be around and can have fun with and who will want me as much as I want them. I've dated plenty and come up empty handed. I've gone through phases of just wanting to be single, and I've gone through phases where I feel like my life will never be complete without someone to share it with. Now I am trying to be content with believing whatever will be, will be.

People say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I don't think I've experienced that... when my relationships have ended I have been ready for them to end and haven't looked back. I never realized how much I really do miss the little things about being in a relationship because of just how DONE I've always been by the time things have ended.

In the last couple of weeks I experienced a short and sweet version of what I had been missing in the last year and a half. I haven't been swept off my feet with romance or persued to the extent where I know I am truly wanted or needed, these are things that I would have been hoping for before. Instead I found someone who I just genuinely enjoy being around. It's the little things that count: Being able to laugh with someone, casual glances, affection-even just a touch of my hair or brushing by my hand, it is all so incredibly comforting after not having that in so long. It's done already, but it was short and sweet and keeps me believing there's someone out there for me.

So anyway, I'm cautiously optimistic... let's end off with some little inspirations from some of my favorite songs... Wait wait wait, just looked through my music and all the songs I want to quote here are by the Trews for some reason.... must be in the mood for them. For now I'll make the recommendation that people check them out. Love them.

The Trews:

- Sing Your Heart Out

- The Love You Save

- Man of Two Minds

- End of the Line

Anyway, I'm going to just keep on keeping on... Ha ha ha.... Time for some food, a nap, a meeting, then a soccer game.