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It has been a while since my last blog... I started writing this wanting to be a positive example of how to cope with stress - I haven't written because I may put on a good show, but my positivity wavers.
I have had many MANY changes happening all at once. I have got a great new job, great but mentally exhausting trying to learn a whole new system. I have gone out with a great guy twice and am looking forward to our third get together. I also had an ultrasound done to determine the physical characteristics and depths of my tumors.
I am now just four days away from surgery. Sleeping on my stomach or side is difficult, it feels like i have a baseball and a few stray golf balls wedged in my bra, but still I try to keep telling myself I should be happy because it is not cancer and they will be removed.
While I can't wait to get these out I feel nervous... Not scared of surgery or the pain, but scared of what it might feel like to wake up literally missing a piece of me - tumor or not. I am going to be missing more than half of my right breast... how will I make it look normal? I am going to have scars. I am 26 and single. I will look down and see something totally different than what I have been used to seeing. Tears well up in my eyes thinking about waking up after surgery with a very different body.
i want to inspire people with my writing, but I don't feel all that inspirational. I am telling myself that the joy is not in the destination but in the journey; Struggle is just a part of success. I will keep telling myself this until I believe it. But until then I will trust in all of the wonderful people around me, who are encouraging me, and who will believe the journey is the part to remember and appreciate, the people who tell me I can worry about the destination when I get there. I love my family and friends.
Crystal,
ReplyDeleteI have never had to deal with anything like that. However, my aunt passed away from breast cancer. The last time we talked, we had the most positive conversation. I told her that it did not matter what others thought of her, what mattered was the way she felt about herself, and that she was beautiful, no matter what.
I will now say the same words to you. Yes, there will be a small part of you missing. But, the beautiful inner you will be there, no matter what.
You do not have to make anything look normal. Each one of us is unique. Normality does not exist. I know it is easier said than done, but in my life I have learnt to tell "normal" to f... off so many times that we live far away from each other. ;-)
Just know that you will always be loved. If some people can't because of what happened to you, then they do NOT deserve you. Period.
Cendrine
That's really nice Cendrine, thank you!
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