Good News!

So… I actually wrote this yesterday but I'm having technical difficulties and couldn't post it, also the photos from the last surgery are coming, for some reason I can't upload them right now but I am comfortable sharing them now, so hopefully that will be the next post... there is one with the bandage still on and one of the incision almost healed. The photo with the shirt on and still bandaged was taken on February 16, 2011 - one day after surgery, the other picture was taken February 25, 2011 - ten days post surgery, the day I got the hemovac out and bandages off. This surgery was way WAY easier than the last, I knew what to expect so it wasn’t so scary, and I recovered much faster than I (or anyone else) expected.

February 16, 2011 - One day Post-Op

Ten days post-surgery: Bandages off, Hemovac out

I now have scars on both sides of my chest that are constant reminders of my mixed feelings:

On positive days I look at myself in the mirror and feel like I’ve shown myself how strong I can be when I need to be, like I’ve learned what’s important in life, and realize that my family and true friends have proven to me that they will always be here for me to help get through the things I can‘t get through alone.  On the tougher days I wonder why this had to happen to me, why I’ll have to see the scars for the rest of my life, and feel self-conscious like I don’t want anyone to see these scars. I also get scared wondering how I will deal with it if this happens again, what if next time it is cancer? I wonder if I’ll find someone who will just accept me exactly how I am. I wish mammograms and screening and testing weren’t going to be a part of my reality so early in life, but that is reality and I’m trying to accept it.

The outlook that I most want to keep in mind is that I’m so lucky and I want others to realize how much they have just by being healthy. I hope other women take care of their bodies and aren’t scared to push forward when they know something just isn’t right. It probably would have been much easier mentally if I had ignored the problem rather than having spent the last nine months worrying, having tests, having surgery, worrying, getting results, having surgery, worrying and finally getting results. But wow, if I had just ignored the problem I know I’d be in horrible physical condition!

On that note I am happy to say that that the doctor’s office called today (now yesterday) and officially informed me that the pathology report has come back clean and that it appears the new little lump is not growing and is nothing to worry about right now. No more Lumpectomy’s for me!

On a different note - The dating front is starting to look up, I’ll share more if things continue going in the right direction!

Just Stay

Looking in the mirror, tears falling down,

I don't remember when my grin became a frown.

I was once proud of eternal smiles, being care-free,

But that changed somehow and no one told me.

I'd do anything for anyone who means anything to me,

But slowly I'm opening my eyes and beginning to see.

Everything I'm willing to give, people will take,

But when I'm in need, suddenly there's a break.

I don't get why everything has to be on everyone else's terms,

For once I'd like to say how I feel, and get something in return.

I'm open and loving, accepting of all, yet somehow just continue to fall.

Put myself out there, for what? So I can fall to my knees? Beg and crawl?

Why do you want me when you want me, but not when I want you?

I want something real, in good and bad; able to say together we grew.

Please wipe my tear; I don't ask for much, but I want love, just be here.

Don't run when I say what I'm looking for, just stick by me, stay near.

I'm hurting, I can't find someone that will stay.

I look in the mirror, see scars inside and out, and pray.

I want someone to love my rights and my wrongs,

Who sees my flaws, but also hears the love songs.

Open your eyes and see all I'm willing to give, but don't steal it all away.

Just be with me, don't use me; hold me close, want me and don't stray.

Wipe away the tears once in a while, or just sit with me while I cry,

Let me be me, but let it be by your side.

You do nothing wrong, but also do nothing right,

When I need you, you've left me in the dark, alone and scared at night.

Please be here, don't go away.

Just Stay.

(Sometimes a girl needs to cry, it doesn't matter what anyone else says or does, I believe it's a release that is necessary in order to re-evaluate situations and to be able to see things clearly. I tell women everyday that they need to feel their feelings, take a deep breath and take them all in, yet I ignore my own. I used to think that no one was worth crying over, but I'm realizing that I was wrong. I have had a few beautiful, wonderful men in my life who I've always held out hope on and somehow they always seem to let me down, but strangely they haven't DONE anything, it's just one of those things, but it hurts. And so tonight I cry over them, and they are worth it, but I won't let that hurt who I know I am and I won't let that change that I will always hold out hope for those I really do care about, I will find someone worthy of all that I am willing to give.)

How Often do I Write?

I was asked last week how often I write my blog and I said that I write whenever I feel like it. This wasn't exactly true though I suppose... I write when I am overwhelmed with some sort of emotion, whether that is fear, anxiety, frustration, inspiration; anytime I just can't keep it in anymore.

There is no new news on my health. I am still waiting for a pathology report that is expected to come back clean. I am still self-conscious about the new shape of my body and the scars. I am still trying to view these things as struggles that have made me stronger and wiser. It can be hard to see it this way though.

I am writing today because I have an overwhelming feeling that my life is just not meant to go my way. I don't understand why everything has to be something I need to struggle through. Now, enough with the self-pity, I work everyday with women who have overcome a lot more than I will ever have to, I really shouldn't complain, but my heart is having a hard time today.

The relationship front is getting me down. For a long time I have been optimistically hoping to find someone who I just like to be around and can have fun with and who will want me as much as I want them. I've dated plenty and come up empty handed. I've gone through phases of just wanting to be single, and I've gone through phases where I feel like my life will never be complete without someone to share it with. Now I am trying to be content with believing whatever will be, will be.

People say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I don't think I've experienced that... when my relationships have ended I have been ready for them to end and haven't looked back. I never realized how much I really do miss the little things about being in a relationship because of just how DONE I've always been by the time things have ended.

In the last couple of weeks I experienced a short and sweet version of what I had been missing in the last year and a half. I haven't been swept off my feet with romance or persued to the extent where I know I am truly wanted or needed, these are things that I would have been hoping for before. Instead I found someone who I just genuinely enjoy being around. It's the little things that count: Being able to laugh with someone, casual glances, affection-even just a touch of my hair or brushing by my hand, it is all so incredibly comforting after not having that in so long. It's done already, but it was short and sweet and keeps me believing there's someone out there for me.

So anyway, I'm cautiously optimistic... let's end off with some little inspirations from some of my favorite songs... Wait wait wait, just looked through my music and all the songs I want to quote here are by the Trews for some reason.... must be in the mood for them. For now I'll make the recommendation that people check them out. Love them.

The Trews:

- Sing Your Heart Out

- The Love You Save

- Man of Two Minds

- End of the Line

Anyway, I'm going to just keep on keeping on... Ha ha ha.... Time for some food, a nap, a meeting, then a soccer game.

Surgery #2 is Done!

So I had surgery last Tuesday and managed to get myself out of the hospital by lunch time. I woke up feeling coming fine and ready to move on out of there. Last time I felt pretty good after surgery, this time I felt even better. I tried this time to go into things calmly however of course the moment they wanted to do my IV I began tearing up and refusing it. I wound up receiving laughing gas in the operating room which calmed me enough to let them put my IV in. Once home I ate a full sub, snacked all day, had visitors, and overall felt great. The only pain I've had is where the hemovac tube goes into my body, other than that I don't even know where the incision was made, no pain there at all!

I've been fairly consistent with practicing Qigong and on Saturday spent 7 hours in a workshop for Qigong where the group circled me and offered a healing which I received well, just the feeling of having so many people wishing me well was a powerful moment. After my day of Qigong I had my nieces over for a sleepover, we went out for dinner, played games, went to watch my soccer game and stayed up late watching movies. It made me feel like life was normal for that 24 hour period.

All week I have been experiencing emotional highs and lows, being happy and full of laughter one moment and crying the next. I have treated some people wonderfully, others not so wonderfully. And strangely enough with all the love and support of my family, friends, soccer team, co-workers, I still somehow feel lonely, but I am trying to have faith that when I am ready things will fall into place on the relationship front.

I went to a social Sunday night and was brave - I wore a bra!! SO SO SO painful, but totally worth it to not have to display how awfully uneven my breasts now are. Again I will put up photo's once I am comfortable with this new shape myself. I looked in the mirror for the first time yesterday and was so sad to see what this has done to my figure. I know it shouldn't matter because I'm healthy and that is the main thing, but it really does matter a lot. It makes me want to cry when I see myself, but I will get over it, and I will be "fixed" physically eventually. For now I'll keep telling myself to love myself regardless of what I look like, my body isn't as important as my health.